Holy bodily functions!!!!

When I arrived home tonight after work, my house was a giant bodily function. My wife mentioned that my son's nose had been running all day. All I can say is she wasn't kidding, I can honestly say that I have never witnessed a snot bubble the size of the one my son blew out of his nose tonight. I swear it was as big as his head...it was like Sputnik, round but quite pointy in parts. It was like an orange on a toothpick...apologies as I sub-reference. As if the snot bubble was not enough, he had a case of the sneezes as well. The only way I can describe it would be to compare it to that scene in the exorcist, only it was snot and that stream flew all the way across the kitchen scaring the shit outta the cat when it hit him. Eeeeeuuuuuwweeeee! Picture me chasing the cat attempting to wipe off a load of snot dripping from his fur. Again I say eeeuuuwee!!!!

As if that was not enough..my daughter, yes my beautiful little girl had a poopie tonight. Again..I can honestly say that I have never in all my years seen a turd of that size. This thing was gigantic. I stood there in complete and utter disbelief that that thing came out of my daughter. It plugged up the toilet upstairs for cripes sakes......now that was a turd.

I realize that none of you may have wanted to here about tonight's events, however they both were so monumental on the gross-o-meter I had to share. For those of you with a weaker constitution, my apologies for any discomfort or nausea reading this blog may have caused.

Bring on the feedback

For those of you who read this blog...feel free to comment. I have enabled that function.

Ahh..Saturday mornings.....

There is nothing like a Saturday morning. Today the kids actually let the wife and I sleep until 8:00 am, that never happens. Breakfast was a battle to get one lousy waffle in my daughter. My son has developed a habit of yelling at the top of his lungs any time a spoon isn't near his mouth ready to shovel something into it...the little pig!!! I was making the attempt to eat some cereal..but was interrupted by my daughter getting angry at her puzzle and zinging it across the living room, my son digging in the plant and throwing the rocks onto the freshly re-done hard wood floor, again with my son pulling up the heat vent and reaching into the chasm, again with my son throwing a shoe cuz he couldn't find his nuk. Ah yes...the sound of Saturday mornings.

My daughter and I created a game that I like to call Gunnar Plinko that consists of my daughter and I sitting at the top of the stairs with two beach balls while my son is at the bottom of the stairs pounding on said stair. While my son sits at the bottom of the stairs my daughter and I unleash hell and roll the beach balls down the stairs. Points are earned for the following; a miss is no points, a glancing blow to the body is worth 1 point, a glancing blow to the head is worth 2 points, a full blast to the face is worth 3 points. This morning my daughter won due to her being ahead in the points when my wife finally discovered what it was we were doing and called the game.

Party pooper.....

And now for something completely different....

Who is the man? I keep hearing about this man that is keeping everyone down. Who is he? Where does he live? Does he like brussel sprouts? Which leg does he put into his pants first? Does he have a family that is also doing their best to keep everyone down? Who is the guy and what gives him the right to keep everybody down?

Poop

Yes...poop. That is the word for the day folks..poop. Thank you and good night.

New Orleans...nuff said

I had the opportunity to visit New Orleans last week. Although my last blog was spent bitching about my attempts to return home from New Orleans, there were parts of the week that landed with me. I would consider it a humbling experience for me. We all have challenges in life and things that don't go our way for one reason or another, after my travels in the city my problems and challenges don't seem as significant.

It has been well over a year and almost half the original population of New Orleans has not returned. Many of the businesses, restaurants for example, don't open until 4 or 5 in the afternoon due to the lack of workforce. Large areas of the city, particularly the 9th ward still do not have power. I found that amazing that this type of thing would happen in the United States...it's more third world to me. While traveling through parts of the 9th ward you see houses still standing abandoned with all the markings on the fronts of them. People crawled through the roofs of those houses to escape the surging waters, people were trapped in the attics of these houses, people died in these houses. The waterlines still show on the houses showing how high the water actually rose. When seeing the coverage on the TV it does not do justice to seeing it first hand. I can't imagine what those people went through, nor would I ever want to experience half of what those folks had to endure.

A fellow co-worker and I were traveling between locations via the free ways, at one point he pointed over to a insignificant looking part of an over pass and mentioned that that was the part of the overpass where those people were gunned down by police that caused all that controversy. Just a normal looking over pass...people died there. All along the embankment you could see the waterlines here as well, everything was under water.

People are still living in the FEMA trailers waiting for the government money to come so they can get started with rebuilding their homes.

What amazed me was the spirit of the people that either stayed, or had returned. Many of the people that work for my company lost loved ones, lost their homes, yet they still have a positive outlook. Many of them told me they would never leave no matter what was thrown their way. This city was there home and they would not leave...plain and simple. Amazing.

Anyway...there is no way I could do justice to what I saw in words...I know I ain't that good of a writer. We don't hear much about the people of New Orleans anymore, they are still there trying to get through each day by putting the pieces back together. Good people.

Business Travel....and it's suckiness

Well, another trip was finally brought to an end with a 26 hour delay. Earlier this week I had traveled to New Orleans for business. I left Wednesday morning with that little feeling in my gut that it was not going to be a good idea...I had heard all the news reports about the weather and what was coming. I went anyway being the company trooper that I am....I paid for it in spades. Long story short...took care of the business that I needed to get to, actually had a chance to tour the 9th ward and was changed by what I saw (that experience will be noted in an upcoming blog when I have more time as it deserves that), and had some dinner at Kpals off of Bourbon Street which if your ever in New Orleans I would highly recommend. All in all the week was a good one, there were a couple things that were sub-par in my opinion. One, my hotel room was marked as non-smoking although it smelled like a stack in there. Two, the location of my hotel was literally at the end of one of the run ways so I was subjected to planes flying directly over the hotel at an altitude of about 150 feet. Three, when the week was finished I left for the airport and that is where things went tits up.

I arrived at the airport after dropping off the rental car. I looked for the American Airlines desk upon walking into the main terminal and to my horror there were many peoples standing in line, now I had arrived early BUT those were some long ass lines. I waited for one of the self service kiosks to open and tried to check in. It spat out my itinerary with a little message that said they were unable to process my reservation and that I would have to see an American Airlines representative to complete my booking. I knew right there that my day was about to take nose dive. I walked to the end of one line and stood there with all the other peoples, approximately 15 minutes of waiting, one of the reps approached and asked a bunch of us if we were on the flight to Chicago. When we all nodded yes, she informed us we were in the wrong line and moved us to a new longer line, and mentioned that the flight has been canceled. (FREAKIN AAAAAAGH)!!!!! That is the last thing I wanted to hear on a Friday when I was trying to get home. I did my time in that line (45 minutes) only to find out that I would be staying another night in New Orleans as the next available flight was Saturday morning at 11:00 am. So..back to the rental car place and the hotel I went for another night in New Orleans. All this time my wife was going completely stir crazy as she was snowed in and she was attempting to potty train my 2.5 year old. Saturday finally came and I was off to the airport again. I arrived and tried to check in again to my flight only to be told that they could not assign seats at that time (yep..I was having that feeling in my gut again). Luckily..I dodged the bullet and made the flight to Dallas where my connection was through.

The flight went fine and I arrived in Dallas only to find out that my connection was delayed by an hour and twenty minutes...oh the humanity. I passed the hour and twenty minutes watching Superman in my laptop so that wasn't bad. Finally the time had come to board the plane and my ticket showed I was in seat 24F in the ass of the plane by the window. I am not the thinnest guy as my shoulders are a bit wide so sitting in the window seat will and does prevent proper breathing. Everyone made it on board and was waiting to leave when the pilot came over the intercom and informed us that the bags from the last flight hadn't been unloaded yet. What the fuck did he mean the bags had not been unloaded yet...the damn plane had been on the ground for 40 minutes and these dumb shits hadn't unloaded the bags yet? What does it take for shit to go the right way as it should...I mean we are paying for a freakin service after all!!!!!! (Someone is testing my patience and I am failing miserably. I have the patience of Anakin Skywalker so I hope my son can save me from the dark side when it happens cuz I can guarantee it will or we will rule the galaxy as father and son, but I digress, let's return to the story). To top it all off the pilot is cracking jokes about the whole ordeal, keep in mind that my wife is going completely out of her mind at home and each of these delays is pushing her a little closer to the cliff. At this point I was ready to get off the plane, go down to the ramp and pull the bags off myself. We all know that if I had chose that course of action I would be blogging from a jail cell in Dallas. So I waited with all the other folks that were having the same thoughts I am sure. We did end up taking off (after a short 40 minutes had elapsed) and I did make it home a mere 26 hours after I was scheduled to be.

Oh the joys of air travel....later peoples...

Jackamania...the untold story..well until now anyway.

For those of you that have been losing sleep pondering this simple question, "What the hell is Jackamania?", your wait is over my friends. Right...like anyone outside of my closest friends (brothers really) read this pathetic attempt at a blog. But just in case, someone else is out there and is losing sleep I know I couldn't live with myself if I let the suspense last any longer. Now brace yourselves please.

During my college career, I joined a Fraternity. Of all the things I did in college joining said fraternity was one of the better decisions that I had made. They were a great bunch of guys from all walks of life. As a Pi Lam...you weren't part of a professional fraternity, and you weren't part of a social fraternity. We had a good balance of both so we considered ourselves professionally social. It was in this fraternity that Jackamania was born.

Growing up, I was a huge fan of wrestling and my favorite wrestler was Hulk Hogan. His battles with the likes of the Iron Sheik, Andre the Giant, Big John Stud, The Macho Man, and the Ultimate Warrior were amazing (yes, I realize that all that shit was fake) I enjoyed it anyhow. Now because Hulk Hogan was one of my idols his creation of Hulkamania was crucial to the creation of Jackamania.

Jackamania started small...as a joke really, it was an idea that snuck into my brain in less than 5 minutes. That is the irony with it really. Here I was this stupid college kid sitting in a fraternity meeting...the minds begins to wander and BOOM, Jackamania was born. It was based on a few fundamental rules better known as the demandments.

1. Drink your brew
2. Dip your chaw
3. Pop the Bear
4. Always f%#! the women (apologies for the last one, keep in mind this was a college thing)

These fundamental rules laid a foundation for something that really took on a life of it's own. First rule is to always drink your brew-ha. Now naturally in college, what else is there to do but drink. If someone offers you a beer, you drink it no questions asked. If you were a Jackamaniac you never refused a beer, especially a free one. Second rule is always dip your chaw. This particular rule has a specific stipulation, the chaw that is referred to must be Kodiak Wintergreen Chewing Tobacco Long Cut. If it wasn't Kodiak...you weren't a Jackamaniac. Only one man was allowed to chew something other than Kodiak...everyone else it was Kodiak or nothing. Third rule is Always pop the Bear. This rule had a specific stipulation as well, for when one popped the bear it must be cleaned out. For anyone that has seen a tin of Kodiak, in the middle of the lid the face of the bear lies and that face must be cleaned out prior to opening the tin. If you open the tin without cleaning the bear the tin might as well be full of dirt. This is extremely important. The fourth rule of Jackamania is always f%#! the women. This one was one of the most fun rules of the movement. If you ever had a chance at spending some time with a fine young lady, you always get it done..again, no excuses. The only problem with the fourth rule is that it never happened as much as you would have liked...whether you had a girlfriend or not. Now that we have established what Jackamania was based on, let's talk about how four simple rules took on a life of their own.

The night I described what Jackamania was to my fellow brother's, word spread like wildfire around campus. It grew within the fraternity and soon people outside the fraternity were talking about it. Any house party I would go to, people would know about Jackamania and what the 4 Demandments were. I do attribute the popularity of Jackamania to the fact that I was a stupid college kid hanging out with other stupid college kids that were out to do stupid things because for the first time we were free from our parents view and control, but hey it was fun so what the hell right? Now during my time in school I had a chance to do some traveling with the fraternity doing something called walk-out. Walk-out simply put was an opportunity for one fraternity to pick up and drive to another college campus and hang out with another chapter of the Pi Lam fraternity. We went on a few of these trips, Michigan State, Ferris State, Terra Haute, UW Stout, and a few others. As we made these trips and visited other chapters, Jackamania spread it had began as a stupid joke and grown into a nationwide phenomenon. Everywhere I went people wanted to know what Jackamania was and more importantly, they wanted to be a Jackamaniac. Now..I did get into the character of Jackamania (mainly while hammered) and play to the crowds, firing them up as we partied. The cities that I visited showed a direct increase in the number of Kodiak sales.

The one day that I knew that there was something special about Jackamania was a day in Daytona Beach Florida. A group of us from the fraternity made the trek to Daytona for spring break one year. The week was going great...we drank, sat in the sun (real good thing to do when hammered), swam in the ocean, swam in the pool, chased the spring break chicks, all that kind of stuff that you do on spring break. One day while walking down the beach, a group of us stopped at Ho-jo's to witness another wet t-shirt contest. As I stood there watching a group of fine young ladies getting doused with buckets of obviously cold water I hear someone screaming "Jackamania, Jackamania, Jackamania" from behind me. I turn around and it is a few of the guys from Michigan State that I had not seen in a year running up to us. After a series of hi-fives, the guys couldn't wait to tell me about the other chapters that they had taken Jackamania to. From what these guys were telling me, Jackamania had spread from coast to coast. Each of these guys were able to tell me exactly what the 4 demandments were and each of them had a beer with them, a tin of Kodiak of which the bear was clean and clear. I was completely floored that something I had told them about a year ago was still alive and well and spreading.

I consider it my fifteen minutes of fame. I had fellow Jackamaniacs all over the country, an army if you will...again based on a stupid idea, from a stupid college kid that took on a life of it's own. I would have thought that it died years ago, however I ran into one of the guys from Ferris State during some recent business travel that recognized me. Think of standing in line at an airport waiting to check your bags only to have someone elbow you in line and ask you if you were a Jackamaniac. You could have knocked me over with a feather. The guys name was Charlie and I had shot some pool with him one night and schooled him in power of Jackamania. He remembered me and what Jackamania stood for.

In it's simplest form...it stood for having fun...and doing a good job of it. It was good to see him and talk about old times. Anyway...it is amazing how small the world is and the different people you meet and your affect on them.

Alright..I have reminisced enough about the good old days. Someday I'll have to teach my son about Jackamania and what it stood for. My wife may want to kill me, however it is a guy thing after all.