Hey, this is my place. Grab a seat and relax for a bit. If you are expecting deep philosophical blather you are going to be dissappointed. You have been warned as some of the opinions discussed on this blog are the opinions of the owner and may or may not align with your own.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Eventually the contractors came and pulled their hell machines out of the house....the beauty of silence was something like I had never heard. I sat in the living room and just listened to the sound of nothing and for a brief moment found peace in the quiet of my home. That night I actually slept and I was able to get some work done the next day.
I was missing my family pretty bad as it was nearing the holiday weekend and we had plans to do the family things toward the end of that week. None of those plans would come to pass now since they had traveled to her folks place to escape said Hell House. The hell with the house had passed and we were in good shape..until the brainless weather people started calling for nasty weather the latter half of the week. Of course I didn't want my wife and kids to travel in nasty weather conditions so we delayed their homecoming to see what the weather did. Thursday turned into Friday which gave way to Saturday and the weather didn't do shit as record temps were hit and rain fell from the sky....no freezing, no snow, no wind chill, nothing. I could predict the weather better than these yahoos. My wife and kids started for home Saturday morning..we wasted 2 days waiting for the sky to open up and nothing. Damn weatherman. To top it all off, the time my family spent up at my in-laws was just enough time for all three of them to get sick. My wife informed me of this while in transit on Saturday. Headed my way was a truck full of disease. This was going to be a great weekend.
Have you ever tried to navigate a full blown family holiday with two sick kids under the age of 3 and a sick wife that when she coughs sounds as though she is barfing up a lung? Let me tell you..if ever faced with that situation...punt. I don't care if it's 1st and 10 on the opposing teams 20 yard line....you punt and run away screaming like a little girl. Hell hath no fury like a sleep deprived 2.5 year old with pneumonia. My daughter who normally is a well behaved little angel was spitting pea soup and speaking in tongue. I never thought that I would see the day that a child would get pissed off and throw a shoe for being asked to open one of her presents. Each one we would present her with would cause her to scream in an octave that shattered both glass and the human ear drum. It was the 20 minute hell on earth tantrum that caused my wife and I to throw in the towel and cancel the remainder of Dec 25th and by the way it was only 11 am. I left my sisters place with my truck full of sick people..me the only survivor of the plague. We arrived home went through a few more melt downs and finally put the kids down for naps...of which did them some good..but only a little as my daughter slapped us back to reality with a post nap pea soup and tongue episode.
Christmas night was upon us.....we had planned to be at my cousins place with the rest of the family opening gifts, snacking on hors d'oerves, drinking a few cocktails, and eating x-mas cookies. Instead, my wife and I were calling around trying to find a Chinese restaurant that was open to order some food from as we were starving and didn't have anything in the house except for baby food. I felt like Ralphie's father after the Bumpkiss's dogs ransacked the turkey dinner in TNT's 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" only difference is they found a Chinese place..and we weren't as lucky.
Well...I guess there is always next year....if I make it that long.
Seriously though...the one bright part in this is that I spent time with my wife and kids....sickness, tantrums, coughing, barfing up lungs...at least they were home (insert the token awwwww).
Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year! Don't Drink and Drive. Don't do Drugs. Call your Mother once a week. Alright..I'll stop with the PSA's..although I was serious about the drinking and driving thing..oh and the drug stuff too.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
The wife and I earlier this week were talking about the fact that we never go out anymore and that life was beginning to become a trudge through the days as we never have time for just her and I. A quick phone call to my folks begging for a night of babysitting and we were all set. A night for just her and I. A little dinner...some conversation about anything but diapers and formula, and a movie. For parents of two under the age of two...what more could we ask for? Turns out it wasn't about what we asked for..it was what were about to be handed, a big old shit burger value meal with extra shit.
The evening began normal enough; I came home from work and the wife had the kids ready to go. I ran up stairs to change clothes and take care of some personal business. I took care of said business and headed back downstairs. In seconds the kids were loaded and we were off for grandma and grandpa's house. Little did we know that the minute we left our happy home, Murphy kicked the events of the evening in motion. Now Murphy and I go way back...we're very well acquainted as he pops in from time to time to kick me in the shins and then run away. This visit was more of a kick in the sack, than a kick in the shins.
The night was great...had some food, saw a good movie, picked up the kids, and came home. The minute I walked through the door my wife uttered that phrase, "Honey, it's raining in the kitchen". To my horror there was at least an inch of water on the kitchen floor leaking from no less that 5 major areas of the ceiling and leaking is being kind, it was more of a downpour. I flew up the stairs to discover that the toilet had overflowed and instead of shutting down as it should have water was flowing over the edge of the bowl. The bathroom floor was covered in another 2 inches of water. It was an absolute disaster. Then the realization hit me..I was the last one on the john and it had plugged with poop. That puts a different spin on this tale as the rain shower that was going on down in the kitchen was now a poopy rain shower. Not to mention that the poopy water had traveled into our bedroom and was soaking the carpet. If I'd had a gun....I would have been sportin' a hole in my head. The rest of the night was spent scrambling for buckets to catch said poopy water, towels, and the wet/dry vac. The water flow eventually stopped sometime around 5 am this morning and we were able to get the kitchen completely disinfected and cleaned up. The carpet in the bedroom is still a bit soggy as well as my discovery this morning that we had not been quick enough in catching the water as it had soaked through to the basement as well.
One of these days...I am gonna kick the ever loving shit outta Murphy that prick. Anyway...that is the story. The next kick to the shins will most certainly be when my insurance guy informs me of the cost to repair my home..I think I'll wear a cup that day.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The first type that I would like to pull through the driver window and pummel are the jerk offs that merge at the last possible second and sometimes well after that. Who do these morons think they are? These people are the ass wipes that cause the back-ups and traffic by flying up lanes and merging at the last second...the last second. Doesn't it make you want to stomp on the gas pedal and run that son of a bitch into the guardrail? I sure do. A situation today was a classic example. I was exiting from one highway to another and this douche bag is in the lane next to me speeding around the corner to try and get into the lane I was already in, keep in mind that there is no one behind me and plenty of room to get in line. This jerk not only flies past me, but tries to get in front of another vehicle that was right in front of me. As this guy swerves in front of the vehicle directly in front of me, that vehicle pulls out and passes the ass munch that just pulled in front of him..then proceeds to slam on the brakes causing said ass munch to shat in his pants and slam on his brakes. Even though I can not and will not condone the tomfoolery that I had witnessed, I laughed my ass off in the car and raised a fist in salute to the guy that wasn't gonna stand for it.
The second type are the asses that are turning left on a signal..they can see that traffic is backing up and yet they continue into the intersection and sit there even though the light has turned red and you have the green light. Can you go? HELL NO...cuz this shithead is just sitting there in the middle of the intersection. They won't look at you either..nope won't do it..they just sit there. I was fortunate enough to experience one of these complete tools today as I waited at a red light after enjoying lunch with my wife and kids. This stupid chick just can't afford to miss this light and pulls out into the intersection (on the yellow mind you) and just ignores the fact that the rest of us who have the right of way have to wait for her to pull her piece of shit car outta the way. And to top it all off she is on here sparkly cell phone acting like a superstar as though she is important (Those are two other topics for which I will share my opinion on in future episodes). If I happen to at the front of the line when those situations occur, I enjoy pulling within inches of the side of the vehicle and laying on the horn...not a quick beep beep mind you..but a constant drawn out honk with the complimentary flipping of the bird and a "get the f*#k outta the way asshole or bitch" as the situation warrants.
Alright....that was good. I feel better. Man this blog stuff is alright. Good way to vent. My apologies in advance to all of you that may have been offended by the exercising of my right to free speech. If you feel offended..change the damn channel!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
My wife...Who as I have previously stated, is the rock in my life from which I draw all of my strength. My kids Kayla and Gunnar who teach me each day about what the important things are in life. My Mom and Dad who are always there when I need them. I have to call out my mom again as she is fighting a debilitating disease, rheumatoid arthritis. I never knew just how strong my Mom was. My sister who is my best friend, although I never would have admitted it growing up. Her husband Don..my brother-in-law is the best. I can count on him to take care of my sister as he would do anything for her. They have a great family together with their daughter Holly and the new addition that will bless our family soon. My Mother and Father in law, they are the best. We can always count on them to lend a helping hand.
Last and not certainly least are the horseman, my brothers. They have always been there for me in times of need, more so than they will ever know. I would not be who I am today if they had not been there for they all have taught me the true meaning of friendship.
So much for the short blog. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone.
Muppy Mup people.....
Sunday, November 19, 2006
The sun was shining, it was about 80 degrees, and the water was a very deep blue. We spent the next week sleeping in, swimming and relaxing by the pool, and staying up late. Because this place was an all inclusive resort it was all you could eat and drink. I drank so many Pina Coladas I could have puked. We did run into Ganja Man and Crack Hoe a few times during the week, however we did our best to keep the run-ins very short. The week was full of doing nothing, having nowhere to go except for the couples massage and nightly dinners we had scheduled. My wife and I had forgotten what it was like to be without the kids for more than a few hours. Although we did miss them everyday, we were both taking full advantage of the time away. As the week was drawing to a close, we began thinking more of home and the kids…we were ready to go home. What we didn’t know was that was going to be a bit more difficult that we would have expected it to be. First sign of trouble came at around 6:30 pm as my wife and I lounged in our room before we had to get ready for a later dinner. The screech of the fire alarm sent me flying off the edge of my chair. As I picked myself up off the floor, my wife came flying out of the bathroom. My first thought was, get the documentation out of the safe needed to get out of the country and get home. We grabbed the stuff we needed and headed for the stairs. I will tell you something, during times of crisis you really see the true spirit of human nature. As people were coming out of their rooms I saw; people running over other people to get down the hall, others stood in the hall completely stupefied as to what to do, a few were helping guide people to the stairs, others were heading for the elevators, and some just walked back into their rooms and closed the door. Me, I was heading down the stairs..ain’t no way I was gonna fry in a Jamaican resort. The alarm turned out to be a false one. The rest of the night was uneventful and my wife and I turned in a bit early to get up in the morning and head back to the states.
The next morning, we checked out of our room and waited for the bus. The bus was on time and soon we were on our way. A quick stop to pick up two other couples at the next resort down the road and we were free and clear to the airport. Or so I thought…
Yep…a damn flat tire in the middle of nowhere Jamaica. The driver of the bus had us all get out of the bus. As he walked by me I heard him mention that he hoped he had remembered the jack and spare. My heart sank upon hearing him say that. Luckily, the jack and the spare were there. When we removed the flat tire, the driver rolled the new tire from behind the bus. The spare looked worse than the flat did as I could barely make out the tread pattern due to the baldness of the spare. As bad as it looked, we mounted the spare tire and were on our way. Every bump and pot hole we hit from there on in, we all held our breath.
We eventually made it to the airport, got checked in and made it to the gate where we found out that the flight had been delayed from the states pushing back our departure. Now I fly quite a bit for my work, and if there is one thing a business traveler doesn’t want top hear is that the flight has been delayed particularly when you have a connection involved in your travel plans. We had just that, a connection through Memphis that wasn’t that long to begin with.
Our flight left late as we have been told and they were expecting some weather once we were a bit north of Florida. They were not kidding, were flying just east of the storms that blew through the Carolina's tearing up the country side and killing at least 12 people before it was done. That plane was bouncing all over the place. The late departure and the weather delayed us enough that when we landed, we had less that 45 minutes to taxi to the gate and get to our next flight. That may not sound so bad, however what we didn’t know is that two other international flights had just arrived prior to ours, one from Amsterdam, and the other from Cancun. As we were ready to deplane, the gate agent informed all of us that the customs level was jam packed full and we would have to wait for 5-10 minutes before we could get off the plane. That would mean that we would have 35 minutes to get to our next flight. What I didn’t know is that since 9-11, international flights were treated as bit differently than I had been used to. Seems we had to be processed through Customs which had lines hundreds of people long as we can down the escalator into purgatory, get our luggage, declare, re-check our luggage, go back through security, then fly like the wind and try to get to our connection. Keep in mind that after we stood in line for 20 minutes, we now had 15 minutes to do all of the above. My wife and I were finally at the front of the line when another bomb was dropped on us from our friendly neighborhood gate agent. Because the other two flights had over run the customs area, our bags had not even been unloaded off the plane yet…t-minus 10 until our connection departs. As my mind began thinking about where to stay in the lovely city of Memphis our bags finally came down the carousel. We grabbed them and headed for the bag check where we were herded into one line, and then another only to see other people our flight passing us in the line we were told to move out of…t-minus 5. We checked our bags and headed for the security lines that were already backing up….t-minus 0, our flight was leaving without us. My blood pressure was much to high for my own good and I was ready to throw down and bust somebody in the mush when we discovered that our connections flight had been delayed and we had literally seconds to make it. As we moved through security my wife grabbed everything out of the trays on the other side of the metal detector and I found myself running up the escalator and down the terminal like OJ freakin Simpson prior to his murderous years without my shoes or belt. We made the flight with 2 minutes to spare. We found our seats, sat down, and I got dressed. That is the closest I have ever come to missing a flight. Not gonna do it again.
Just typing about the trip has left me spent…until next time.
Muppy Mup people….
Thursday, November 16, 2006
To say the trip had it's interesting points would be an understatement. Where do I begin? Should I start with the Montego Bay airport and the lack of a clear understanding as to how to get people from the gate to the proper bus for transportation? Nope...that happens here in the states and is not specific to just the airport folks in Jamaica. Although, when you're in a foreign country and it's been 10 minutes since you deplaned and they have already lost you there is definitely room for improvement. My wife and I witnessed a couple who was on our bus get taken off the bus, put onto presumably the right bus, have that bus drive away only to return 10 minutes later..because it was the wrong bus. Seeing that happen, you begin to wonder if you are on the right bus..or if any of the locals who do this everyday know what bus is the right bus. This actually brought back unsettling memories of the first day of school trying to find the right bus to get home after a long hard day. All the while this is happening other folks are getting on the bus. I am referring to one couple in particular whom will be called for purposes of this entry "Ganja Man and Crack Hoe".
GM and CH boarded the bus and sat in the seats located behind my wife and I. The guy wasn't in his seat for more than 30 or so seconds and he had already pulled a small bag from his luggage containing a leafy green substance. He looked up at my wife and asked, "wanna get yo weed on?". My wife responded with a, "no thank you". He then looked at me and asked, "wanna get yo weed on man?" to which I responded, "no thanks man". My wife and I both knew we were in for an interesting ride. Minutes before the 2 hour ride (yes, I said 2 hour ride) to the resort in Ocho Rios, CH informs her pimp daddy that she needs a beer and trots off back into the airport. Needless to say I was not happy at the fact that there were cops all over the airport, this freakin yahoo is rolling his own dubage, and his hoe decides to go back for a beer. The driver comes back to the side of the bus (did I mention that the bus is a VW bus the size of a tin can and it's carrying 7 people? I digress), he sees what the dude is doing and tells us all that he can't smoke that in the bus. If the cops stop us on the way and catch a whiff of that stuff, they'll pull everyone off the bus and tear through every bag looking for the rest of the stash. Now, I like Jamaica and the people are nice enough, however at this point I am not relishing the thought of hangin out in a Jamaican jail because of jocko here. Reluctantly he agreed to not, "get his weed on" in the bus. His chick came back with 2 Redstripes (Jamaican Lager) and we were finally on our way.
The highways in Jamaica can't really be called highways, they are more like back roads with a plethora of potholes, trenches, and parts that are just plain missing. The posted speed limits are 80 km/h, though our top speed was no better than 30-40 the entire way there. During this trip, I had Captain Ganja who was supposedly an expert in all things Jamaican, schooling me in all the things that I and my wife were required to do. The times he wasn't barking at me in Ebonics, he was firing questions at the driver about where the baddest parts of Kingston were. He and his posse were looking for some action and that was the place to get it. The only times this guy wasn't shooting his mouth off was when his girlfriend (CH) was flashing her boobs at him (my wife witnessed the carnage first hand, I was obliviously to this tomfoolery), and the two times we had to stop cuz she had to pee. During the second of the two pee breaks, we were handed a little retribution as when she was getting off the bus she cranked her head something fierce on the sliding door to which I laughed out loud in my head.
It was dark when we reached the first stop off. The two ladies that were sitting in front of us disembarked from the bus. I thought to myself, finally we would be rid of GM and CH. My relief turned to horror when the driver closed the door and got back in the bus. My worst fears had been realized, these two people would be with us for the duration as their final destination was ours as well. Yes....GM and CH were staying at the Sunset Jamaica Grand...SON OF A! The rest of the ride was similar to first half, him barking questions and orders, and her flashing her boobs at him. At one point I had thoughts of taking one of his empty beer bottles smashing it in my lap and shoving the broken shards of glass in my eye.
We finally reached the resort and unloaded everything from the bus. We checked in at the front desk right next to our friends, had our luggage loaded onto the same cart as our friends, walked to the elevator with our friends, rode the elevator with our friends....were we ever to escape these two pukes? That part of our story is forthcoming in a future episode of the Jamaican Nightmare.
Muppy Mup people.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Well, the wife and I are taking some time away from the kids..hell we're running away doing mach 2 with our hair on fire (please stop me prior to yet another sub-reference...ah the hell with it). We're taking a break on the shores of Jamaica man...and we ain't coming back for a week.
Until next time...muppy mup people
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Think of a place where you are at peace. Luckily I have a retreat where I can find peace in this world. My family has a cabin in northern Minnesota where I have been spending summers as far back as I can remember. Of the places I have been in my travels, and I have been a few places the last 10 years having visited every state in the union except Hawaii, one place is my favorite. A bend in the Pine River where a pile of rocks breaks the water. The fishing is great and a guy can lose track of time in a hurry sitting along the waterline with a line in the water. Whether you catch anything or not is of no concern, for it is the solitude you experience. You swear sometimes that you're looking at heaven. As a kid, my cousin and I would come to this place and turn over the rocks looking for anything that moved; minnows, crayfish, or frogs. Below the rock damn was a great place to hunt for painter turtles, the turtles caught here were a sure win during the turtle races every summer in Nisswa. Now I bring my daughter to this place so she knows the joy of this little bend in the Pine River, she runs around picking up rocks and throwing them into the water. I look forward to the turtle races next summer as my kids continue the winning tradition. This one little bend in the river is my favorite place, and hopefully it will be my kids favorite place as well.
Muppy Mup people....
Muppy Mup people
As I sit here typing my first post with my son sitting in my lap doing his damndest to type HIS first post, he begins to express his discontent with his father due to the fact that he is feeling hungry and poopie....duty calls. Well...disaster averted. So let's see, I am you average american male as my wife would say. Absent minded and forgetful as she put it today as I stared at a dish scrathing my head this morning trying to remember if I had washed it the night before. I like guy things, cars, motorcycles, ATV's, video games (I am half way through my season in Madden 2007), technology (love my plasma tv), football (go Vikes!), hockey (Go Wild!), etc. I have two great kids, we were blessed with a girl and a boy, although I know that they are each going to drive me nuts in their own way as they grow up. My wife is the rock in my life as I am way to lucky to have a gal like her. We have two cats named Callie and Hobbes. For all you Calvin and Hobbes fans out there, growing up and reading the comics I always wanted a cat name Hobbes..nuff said. We all live here in this house that is at times chaotic, however mostly quite welcoming. Well, that should be enough to completely bore the masses. Oh, I would like to apologize up front to all of you that experience any mental trauma due to content of these blatherings posted by yours truly.