Holy bodily functions!!!!

When I arrived home tonight after work, my house was a giant bodily function. My wife mentioned that my son's nose had been running all day. All I can say is she wasn't kidding, I can honestly say that I have never witnessed a snot bubble the size of the one my son blew out of his nose tonight. I swear it was as big as his head...it was like Sputnik, round but quite pointy in parts. It was like an orange on a toothpick...apologies as I sub-reference. As if the snot bubble was not enough, he had a case of the sneezes as well. The only way I can describe it would be to compare it to that scene in the exorcist, only it was snot and that stream flew all the way across the kitchen scaring the shit outta the cat when it hit him. Eeeeeuuuuuwweeeee! Picture me chasing the cat attempting to wipe off a load of snot dripping from his fur. Again I say eeeuuuwee!!!!

As if that was not enough..my daughter, yes my beautiful little girl had a poopie tonight. Again..I can honestly say that I have never in all my years seen a turd of that size. This thing was gigantic. I stood there in complete and utter disbelief that that thing came out of my daughter. It plugged up the toilet upstairs for cripes sakes......now that was a turd.

I realize that none of you may have wanted to here about tonight's events, however they both were so monumental on the gross-o-meter I had to share. For those of you with a weaker constitution, my apologies for any discomfort or nausea reading this blog may have caused.

Bring on the feedback

For those of you who read this blog...feel free to comment. I have enabled that function.

Ahh..Saturday mornings.....

There is nothing like a Saturday morning. Today the kids actually let the wife and I sleep until 8:00 am, that never happens. Breakfast was a battle to get one lousy waffle in my daughter. My son has developed a habit of yelling at the top of his lungs any time a spoon isn't near his mouth ready to shovel something into it...the little pig!!! I was making the attempt to eat some cereal..but was interrupted by my daughter getting angry at her puzzle and zinging it across the living room, my son digging in the plant and throwing the rocks onto the freshly re-done hard wood floor, again with my son pulling up the heat vent and reaching into the chasm, again with my son throwing a shoe cuz he couldn't find his nuk. Ah yes...the sound of Saturday mornings.

My daughter and I created a game that I like to call Gunnar Plinko that consists of my daughter and I sitting at the top of the stairs with two beach balls while my son is at the bottom of the stairs pounding on said stair. While my son sits at the bottom of the stairs my daughter and I unleash hell and roll the beach balls down the stairs. Points are earned for the following; a miss is no points, a glancing blow to the body is worth 1 point, a glancing blow to the head is worth 2 points, a full blast to the face is worth 3 points. This morning my daughter won due to her being ahead in the points when my wife finally discovered what it was we were doing and called the game.

Party pooper.....

And now for something completely different....

Who is the man? I keep hearing about this man that is keeping everyone down. Who is he? Where does he live? Does he like brussel sprouts? Which leg does he put into his pants first? Does he have a family that is also doing their best to keep everyone down? Who is the guy and what gives him the right to keep everybody down?

Poop

Yes...poop. That is the word for the day folks..poop. Thank you and good night.

New Orleans...nuff said

I had the opportunity to visit New Orleans last week. Although my last blog was spent bitching about my attempts to return home from New Orleans, there were parts of the week that landed with me. I would consider it a humbling experience for me. We all have challenges in life and things that don't go our way for one reason or another, after my travels in the city my problems and challenges don't seem as significant.

It has been well over a year and almost half the original population of New Orleans has not returned. Many of the businesses, restaurants for example, don't open until 4 or 5 in the afternoon due to the lack of workforce. Large areas of the city, particularly the 9th ward still do not have power. I found that amazing that this type of thing would happen in the United States...it's more third world to me. While traveling through parts of the 9th ward you see houses still standing abandoned with all the markings on the fronts of them. People crawled through the roofs of those houses to escape the surging waters, people were trapped in the attics of these houses, people died in these houses. The waterlines still show on the houses showing how high the water actually rose. When seeing the coverage on the TV it does not do justice to seeing it first hand. I can't imagine what those people went through, nor would I ever want to experience half of what those folks had to endure.

A fellow co-worker and I were traveling between locations via the free ways, at one point he pointed over to a insignificant looking part of an over pass and mentioned that that was the part of the overpass where those people were gunned down by police that caused all that controversy. Just a normal looking over pass...people died there. All along the embankment you could see the waterlines here as well, everything was under water.

People are still living in the FEMA trailers waiting for the government money to come so they can get started with rebuilding their homes.

What amazed me was the spirit of the people that either stayed, or had returned. Many of the people that work for my company lost loved ones, lost their homes, yet they still have a positive outlook. Many of them told me they would never leave no matter what was thrown their way. This city was there home and they would not leave...plain and simple. Amazing.

Anyway...there is no way I could do justice to what I saw in words...I know I ain't that good of a writer. We don't hear much about the people of New Orleans anymore, they are still there trying to get through each day by putting the pieces back together. Good people.

Business Travel....and it's suckiness

Well, another trip was finally brought to an end with a 26 hour delay. Earlier this week I had traveled to New Orleans for business. I left Wednesday morning with that little feeling in my gut that it was not going to be a good idea...I had heard all the news reports about the weather and what was coming. I went anyway being the company trooper that I am....I paid for it in spades. Long story short...took care of the business that I needed to get to, actually had a chance to tour the 9th ward and was changed by what I saw (that experience will be noted in an upcoming blog when I have more time as it deserves that), and had some dinner at Kpals off of Bourbon Street which if your ever in New Orleans I would highly recommend. All in all the week was a good one, there were a couple things that were sub-par in my opinion. One, my hotel room was marked as non-smoking although it smelled like a stack in there. Two, the location of my hotel was literally at the end of one of the run ways so I was subjected to planes flying directly over the hotel at an altitude of about 150 feet. Three, when the week was finished I left for the airport and that is where things went tits up.

I arrived at the airport after dropping off the rental car. I looked for the American Airlines desk upon walking into the main terminal and to my horror there were many peoples standing in line, now I had arrived early BUT those were some long ass lines. I waited for one of the self service kiosks to open and tried to check in. It spat out my itinerary with a little message that said they were unable to process my reservation and that I would have to see an American Airlines representative to complete my booking. I knew right there that my day was about to take nose dive. I walked to the end of one line and stood there with all the other peoples, approximately 15 minutes of waiting, one of the reps approached and asked a bunch of us if we were on the flight to Chicago. When we all nodded yes, she informed us we were in the wrong line and moved us to a new longer line, and mentioned that the flight has been canceled. (FREAKIN AAAAAAGH)!!!!! That is the last thing I wanted to hear on a Friday when I was trying to get home. I did my time in that line (45 minutes) only to find out that I would be staying another night in New Orleans as the next available flight was Saturday morning at 11:00 am. So..back to the rental car place and the hotel I went for another night in New Orleans. All this time my wife was going completely stir crazy as she was snowed in and she was attempting to potty train my 2.5 year old. Saturday finally came and I was off to the airport again. I arrived and tried to check in again to my flight only to be told that they could not assign seats at that time (yep..I was having that feeling in my gut again). Luckily..I dodged the bullet and made the flight to Dallas where my connection was through.

The flight went fine and I arrived in Dallas only to find out that my connection was delayed by an hour and twenty minutes...oh the humanity. I passed the hour and twenty minutes watching Superman in my laptop so that wasn't bad. Finally the time had come to board the plane and my ticket showed I was in seat 24F in the ass of the plane by the window. I am not the thinnest guy as my shoulders are a bit wide so sitting in the window seat will and does prevent proper breathing. Everyone made it on board and was waiting to leave when the pilot came over the intercom and informed us that the bags from the last flight hadn't been unloaded yet. What the fuck did he mean the bags had not been unloaded yet...the damn plane had been on the ground for 40 minutes and these dumb shits hadn't unloaded the bags yet? What does it take for shit to go the right way as it should...I mean we are paying for a freakin service after all!!!!!! (Someone is testing my patience and I am failing miserably. I have the patience of Anakin Skywalker so I hope my son can save me from the dark side when it happens cuz I can guarantee it will or we will rule the galaxy as father and son, but I digress, let's return to the story). To top it all off the pilot is cracking jokes about the whole ordeal, keep in mind that my wife is going completely out of her mind at home and each of these delays is pushing her a little closer to the cliff. At this point I was ready to get off the plane, go down to the ramp and pull the bags off myself. We all know that if I had chose that course of action I would be blogging from a jail cell in Dallas. So I waited with all the other folks that were having the same thoughts I am sure. We did end up taking off (after a short 40 minutes had elapsed) and I did make it home a mere 26 hours after I was scheduled to be.

Oh the joys of air travel....later peoples...

Jackamania...the untold story..well until now anyway.

For those of you that have been losing sleep pondering this simple question, "What the hell is Jackamania?", your wait is over my friends. Right...like anyone outside of my closest friends (brothers really) read this pathetic attempt at a blog. But just in case, someone else is out there and is losing sleep I know I couldn't live with myself if I let the suspense last any longer. Now brace yourselves please.

During my college career, I joined a Fraternity. Of all the things I did in college joining said fraternity was one of the better decisions that I had made. They were a great bunch of guys from all walks of life. As a Pi Lam...you weren't part of a professional fraternity, and you weren't part of a social fraternity. We had a good balance of both so we considered ourselves professionally social. It was in this fraternity that Jackamania was born.

Growing up, I was a huge fan of wrestling and my favorite wrestler was Hulk Hogan. His battles with the likes of the Iron Sheik, Andre the Giant, Big John Stud, The Macho Man, and the Ultimate Warrior were amazing (yes, I realize that all that shit was fake) I enjoyed it anyhow. Now because Hulk Hogan was one of my idols his creation of Hulkamania was crucial to the creation of Jackamania.

Jackamania started small...as a joke really, it was an idea that snuck into my brain in less than 5 minutes. That is the irony with it really. Here I was this stupid college kid sitting in a fraternity meeting...the minds begins to wander and BOOM, Jackamania was born. It was based on a few fundamental rules better known as the demandments.

1. Drink your brew
2. Dip your chaw
3. Pop the Bear
4. Always f%#! the women (apologies for the last one, keep in mind this was a college thing)

These fundamental rules laid a foundation for something that really took on a life of it's own. First rule is to always drink your brew-ha. Now naturally in college, what else is there to do but drink. If someone offers you a beer, you drink it no questions asked. If you were a Jackamaniac you never refused a beer, especially a free one. Second rule is always dip your chaw. This particular rule has a specific stipulation, the chaw that is referred to must be Kodiak Wintergreen Chewing Tobacco Long Cut. If it wasn't Kodiak...you weren't a Jackamaniac. Only one man was allowed to chew something other than Kodiak...everyone else it was Kodiak or nothing. Third rule is Always pop the Bear. This rule had a specific stipulation as well, for when one popped the bear it must be cleaned out. For anyone that has seen a tin of Kodiak, in the middle of the lid the face of the bear lies and that face must be cleaned out prior to opening the tin. If you open the tin without cleaning the bear the tin might as well be full of dirt. This is extremely important. The fourth rule of Jackamania is always f%#! the women. This one was one of the most fun rules of the movement. If you ever had a chance at spending some time with a fine young lady, you always get it done..again, no excuses. The only problem with the fourth rule is that it never happened as much as you would have liked...whether you had a girlfriend or not. Now that we have established what Jackamania was based on, let's talk about how four simple rules took on a life of their own.

The night I described what Jackamania was to my fellow brother's, word spread like wildfire around campus. It grew within the fraternity and soon people outside the fraternity were talking about it. Any house party I would go to, people would know about Jackamania and what the 4 Demandments were. I do attribute the popularity of Jackamania to the fact that I was a stupid college kid hanging out with other stupid college kids that were out to do stupid things because for the first time we were free from our parents view and control, but hey it was fun so what the hell right? Now during my time in school I had a chance to do some traveling with the fraternity doing something called walk-out. Walk-out simply put was an opportunity for one fraternity to pick up and drive to another college campus and hang out with another chapter of the Pi Lam fraternity. We went on a few of these trips, Michigan State, Ferris State, Terra Haute, UW Stout, and a few others. As we made these trips and visited other chapters, Jackamania spread it had began as a stupid joke and grown into a nationwide phenomenon. Everywhere I went people wanted to know what Jackamania was and more importantly, they wanted to be a Jackamaniac. Now..I did get into the character of Jackamania (mainly while hammered) and play to the crowds, firing them up as we partied. The cities that I visited showed a direct increase in the number of Kodiak sales.

The one day that I knew that there was something special about Jackamania was a day in Daytona Beach Florida. A group of us from the fraternity made the trek to Daytona for spring break one year. The week was going great...we drank, sat in the sun (real good thing to do when hammered), swam in the ocean, swam in the pool, chased the spring break chicks, all that kind of stuff that you do on spring break. One day while walking down the beach, a group of us stopped at Ho-jo's to witness another wet t-shirt contest. As I stood there watching a group of fine young ladies getting doused with buckets of obviously cold water I hear someone screaming "Jackamania, Jackamania, Jackamania" from behind me. I turn around and it is a few of the guys from Michigan State that I had not seen in a year running up to us. After a series of hi-fives, the guys couldn't wait to tell me about the other chapters that they had taken Jackamania to. From what these guys were telling me, Jackamania had spread from coast to coast. Each of these guys were able to tell me exactly what the 4 demandments were and each of them had a beer with them, a tin of Kodiak of which the bear was clean and clear. I was completely floored that something I had told them about a year ago was still alive and well and spreading.

I consider it my fifteen minutes of fame. I had fellow Jackamaniacs all over the country, an army if you will...again based on a stupid idea, from a stupid college kid that took on a life of it's own. I would have thought that it died years ago, however I ran into one of the guys from Ferris State during some recent business travel that recognized me. Think of standing in line at an airport waiting to check your bags only to have someone elbow you in line and ask you if you were a Jackamaniac. You could have knocked me over with a feather. The guys name was Charlie and I had shot some pool with him one night and schooled him in power of Jackamania. He remembered me and what Jackamania stood for.

In it's simplest form...it stood for having fun...and doing a good job of it. It was good to see him and talk about old times. Anyway...it is amazing how small the world is and the different people you meet and your affect on them.

Alright..I have reminisced enough about the good old days. Someday I'll have to teach my son about Jackamania and what it stood for. My wife may want to kill me, however it is a guy thing after all.

Tagged? Tagged? How dare you!!!

For some reason unbeknown-st to me..I have been tagged in a multiple move by a fellow horseman of mine...you bastard!!! Now I have to fall on my sword and confess 5 odd things about me that you may or may not give a rats pa-tootie (word?) about. So..odd things...let's see. Uh....well....ahh....um....

1. Sometimes when listening to music I will play the drums with my teeth. Not actual drums mind you, I will click my teeth together with the beat of the drums. It is actually quite difficult, especially when listening to the early years of Metallica.

2. I crack my toes and my ankles in my sleep. This drives my wife nuts...really, no foolin I have been told that it sounds just like snapping a dry tree branch.

3. I created Jackamania...soon to be published..stay tuned.

4. I once scaled the outside of the Winona State Library and reached the 3rd floor (a result of the aforementioned Jackamania).

5. I have a Bobble head collection consisting of; Dante Culpepper, Randy Moss, Matt Birk, Spider-man, The Terminator, Ozzy Osbourne, and Robin from the Teen Titans (don't know how odd that is...but, best I could do).

Sadly....I have no one else to tag...wait I tag Dave...even though he doesn't read my blog ever..not that he knows it exists for that matter.

Uh.....Work and Leadership?

Last week I spent a few days in the state of Florida...specifically Weston just north of Ft. Lauderdale. I was down there for work with one of the folks on my team. I make these trips in an effort to spend quality face to face time providing them with some guidance and perspective on how to do the job. I find that as I travel with these folks I am becoming more and more obsolete. My job these days is to provide these people with the tools and opportunity to do the job and then get the hell out of the way...all the while trying my best to follow the principles of Level 5 Leadership as they were taught to me by my predecessor. Give the people what they need, empower them to do what they need to do, and they get the hell outta the way. If something tanks look in the mirror and take the ownership, if something goes well look out the window and recognize the people for the success. Wise words from a wise man that I couldn't begin to think about replacing if my life depended on it.

I have read all the quotes about leadership like, "don't take the trail commonly traveled, instead blaze a trail over untraveled land", and "live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever", and "every challenge is an opportunity", and the list goes on and on and on. My approach is simple...in the spirit of Built to Last, "Fish for a man..feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime". Speaking of fishing, I am looking for to teaching my son how to fish, play catch, drink beer, smoke stogies, hit on women, kick people in the shins, etc. HA..caught you sleeping!!!! Anyway...on second thought you probably should disregard this entry in the blog as it has no real purpose or direction as I have been suffering from a wicked case of writer's block.

And now an entry from my son....

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The lady is a Biotch

Part of the reason that I started this blog was to allow myself an outlet. One of the ways I like to utilize this outlet is to bitch and complain about idiotic people that have been allowed to operate a motor vehicle. I am speaking specifically about those freakin dipshits that are oblivious to the fact that other people exist around them. Case in point, one day last week I pulled through a drive through of a well known establishment to grab a quick bite to eat before heading home. This is where my adventure begins. As I had pulled into the parking lot another car had been sitting at the order board. For the intent of this blog entry, the passenger of said vehicle will be referred to as biotch. Now, biotch was sitting at the order board placing her order and the order for her daughter who was sitting in the front seat without any type of child restraint. During the ordering process one looks over the board, chooses their order, and communicates that to the person behind the scene. From what I was observing, it seemed that either this person had never been to Micky D's, or was simply the dumbest human being on the planet. How hard is it to order food at the drive thru? For this biotch, this was going to a monumental task where her mental faculties would be challenged to the hilt. As I sat there behind this moron, I listened to her ask question after question about whether she had to get fries with a burger, did the burger have to come on a bun, why didn't they have Pepsi, etc. If that wasn't bad enough, she had obviously passed on her stupidity to her daughter as she was leaning over her sticking her head out the window shouting things like, we are at McDonald's, my mom has a blue shirt, where are you?, and so forth. I am not a patient man to begin with and I can't stand stupidity, so at this point I was beside myself sitting in my truck behind this idiot. After what seemed like 30 minutes she put her car in reverse and almost backed in to me, luckily she figured out the problem and put the car in drive causing it to jerk forward sending her kid flying into the back seat. I pulled up and placed my order like any normal human being would, then proceeded to pull around to conduct payment of my order. As I pulled around the corner, to my horror, the adventure continued. Biotch had pulled her car up to the payment window a good 4 feet from the opening causing the employee to have to lean out from the waist up to get her money because this moron wasn't about to get out of her car. She was also changing every part of the order she had taken a lifetime to put together at the order board. This part of my adventure took another few years off my life. They finally brought her order to her at the payment window due to the fact that she had not meandered up to the pick up window yet as she was still barking orders at the employees. I had finally had enough....I couldn't take anymore of this shit. I layed on the horn and shouted, "lady there are others people who are trying to get some food here so I would appreciate you moving along and getting the hell outta the way for the rest of us." Well, I can tell you that she didn't appreciate me letting her know she was not the Omega Woman (huge sub-reference) and flipped me the bird. That is when the other people who had witnessed this biotch taking her own sweet time chimed in, and they were a bit more terse than I. This biotch finally slammed on the gas and pulled forward. Free at last, free at last. I payed for and received my food and pulled around the corner of the building only to find that this biotch was sitting in the middle of the drive through exit screwing around with something in her car. Unbelievable!!!! I pulled up and around her got in front of her and stopped. She layed on the horn and shouted for me to move. I turned to her, rolled my window down, and stated "sucks don't it". I waited for a few seconds more to land my point with this idiot and then slowly drove away. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

My mom

A friend of mine posted an entry about his mom retiring. Mrs. B was one of my pseudo parents growing up, to tell you the truth I actually had 3 moms growing up. Mrs. B, Mrs. D, and my mom Mrs. J. My mom has had a pretty tough year. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis that can leave her completely immobile due to the pain in her joints. Earlier this year she had a bad spell and was for all intents and purposes stuck in the house, only able to make it from the bed into the living room and back. She spent days laying in bed cause that is all she could do. Another hit she took this year was her oldest brother dying. It was sudden and her and my dad dropped everything and headed to Nashville to help with the arrangements and bury her brother. The final hit came two weeks ago when another of her brothers died quite suddenly. Again, her and my dad dropped everything to head down to Nashville to bury another of her family. Now my point is not to depress anyone reading this blog...although I doubt very seriously that I have that large of a fan base, rather to point out the strength my mom possess. She is stronger than I ever will be. Through all this stuff that she has experienced over the last year..she remains dedicated to her family. Thank you mom for all you have done for me. I love you.

A new year.....a fresh start?

I am not one for resolutions. For some reason...they usually have run their course by January 31st. No more of the...I'll be nicer.....lose some weight....take up a hobby...bla..bla...bla. I think it was Popeye who said "I am what I am". Now there was a great man. Simple and to the point. He was what he was...take it or leave it. Over the years I have tried at different times in my life to be all things to everyone, if there is one lesson that I have learned is "I am what I am". Take it or leave it for it is all that I have to offer.

A Christmas to forget

Christmas is a time for family, friends, and giving. So why was ours everything but? I don't know who we wronged but someone was not happy with us. Not only were we trying to deal with the whole water pouring through the ceiling fiasco I commented on in my last blog entry, we were also trying in vain to pull off a X-mas holiday. It just was not going to happen. My wife took the kids up to her parents place the week prior to the holiday weekend so as not to expose them any more to the "dry out" process that was happening around the clock at our house. I was left alone in the house to deal with the contractors, the mess, and the NOISE!!!! For three straight days it sounded like there was a 747 taking off and landing in the kitchen. If you tried to go downstairs to what I like to call my Fortress of Solitude, you were hit with the sounds of a jet engine. Try going upstairs to escape the noise...and boom planes flying in the bedroom too. On each floor of our house we had dehumidifiers the size of refrigerators and no less that 6 industrial size blowers on high speed trying to dry out the carpet, sub floor, walls, hardwood floor, and ceiling tiles that had taken a beating on that fateful night that the toilet wasn't going to take anymore and attacked. Three days of constant noise....personally I would rather have shoved broken shards of glass into my eye than listen to that noise. There was a wind chill in my house for cryin out load from the 20 mph wind gusts. Imagine this chaos while your trying to work from home taking conference calls and such all the while it sounds like you are in the middle of a war zone. Sleeping was fun those nights...NOT!

Eventually the contractors came and pulled their hell machines out of the house....the beauty of silence was something like I had never heard. I sat in the living room and just listened to the sound of nothing and for a brief moment found peace in the quiet of my home. That night I actually slept and I was able to get some work done the next day.

I was missing my family pretty bad as it was nearing the holiday weekend and we had plans to do the family things toward the end of that week. None of those plans would come to pass now since they had traveled to her folks place to escape said Hell House. The hell with the house had passed and we were in good shape..until the brainless weather people started calling for nasty weather the latter half of the week. Of course I didn't want my wife and kids to travel in nasty weather conditions so we delayed their homecoming to see what the weather did. Thursday turned into Friday which gave way to Saturday and the weather didn't do shit as record temps were hit and rain fell from the sky....no freezing, no snow, no wind chill, nothing. I could predict the weather better than these yahoos. My wife and kids started for home Saturday morning..we wasted 2 days waiting for the sky to open up and nothing. Damn weatherman. To top it all off, the time my family spent up at my in-laws was just enough time for all three of them to get sick. My wife informed me of this while in transit on Saturday. Headed my way was a truck full of disease. This was going to be a great weekend.

Have you ever tried to navigate a full blown family holiday with two sick kids under the age of 3 and a sick wife that when she coughs sounds as though she is barfing up a lung? Let me tell you..if ever faced with that situation...punt. I don't care if it's 1st and 10 on the opposing teams 20 yard line....you punt and run away screaming like a little girl. Hell hath no fury like a sleep deprived 2.5 year old with pneumonia. My daughter who normally is a well behaved little angel was spitting pea soup and speaking in tongue. I never thought that I would see the day that a child would get pissed off and throw a shoe for being asked to open one of her presents. Each one we would present her with would cause her to scream in an octave that shattered both glass and the human ear drum. It was the 20 minute hell on earth tantrum that caused my wife and I to throw in the towel and cancel the remainder of Dec 25th and by the way it was only 11 am. I left my sisters place with my truck full of sick people..me the only survivor of the plague. We arrived home went through a few more melt downs and finally put the kids down for naps...of which did them some good..but only a little as my daughter slapped us back to reality with a post nap pea soup and tongue episode.

Christmas night was upon us.....we had planned to be at my cousins place with the rest of the family opening gifts, snacking on hors d'oerves, drinking a few cocktails, and eating x-mas cookies. Instead, my wife and I were calling around trying to find a Chinese restaurant that was open to order some food from as we were starving and didn't have anything in the house except for baby food. I felt like Ralphie's father after the Bumpkiss's dogs ransacked the turkey dinner in TNT's 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" only difference is they found a Chinese place..and we weren't as lucky.

Well...I guess there is always next year....if I make it that long.

Seriously though...the one bright part in this is that I spent time with my wife and kids....sickness, tantrums, coughing, barfing up lungs...at least they were home (insert the token awwwww).

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year! Don't Drink and Drive. Don't do Drugs. Call your Mother once a week. Alright..I'll stop with the PSA's..although I was serious about the drinking and driving thing..oh and the drug stuff too.

Honey..it's raining in the kitchen

That is a phrase that any home owner, or renter for that matter never wants to hear. Huh...Huh...I said Homeowner. Yer right..bad form. Anyway..here is how this thing went down.

The wife and I earlier this week were talking about the fact that we never go out anymore and that life was beginning to become a trudge through the days as we never have time for just her and I. A quick phone call to my folks begging for a night of babysitting and we were all set. A night for just her and I. A little dinner...some conversation about anything but diapers and formula, and a movie. For parents of two under the age of two...what more could we ask for? Turns out it wasn't about what we asked for..it was what were about to be handed, a big old shit burger value meal with extra shit.

The evening began normal enough; I came home from work and the wife had the kids ready to go. I ran up stairs to change clothes and take care of some personal business. I took care of said business and headed back downstairs. In seconds the kids were loaded and we were off for grandma and grandpa's house. Little did we know that the minute we left our happy home, Murphy kicked the events of the evening in motion. Now Murphy and I go way back...we're very well acquainted as he pops in from time to time to kick me in the shins and then run away. This visit was more of a kick in the sack, than a kick in the shins.

The night was great...had some food, saw a good movie, picked up the kids, and came home. The minute I walked through the door my wife uttered that phrase, "Honey, it's raining in the kitchen". To my horror there was at least an inch of water on the kitchen floor leaking from no less that 5 major areas of the ceiling and leaking is being kind, it was more of a downpour. I flew up the stairs to discover that the toilet had overflowed and instead of shutting down as it should have water was flowing over the edge of the bowl. The bathroom floor was covered in another 2 inches of water. It was an absolute disaster. Then the realization hit me..I was the last one on the john and it had plugged with poop. That puts a different spin on this tale as the rain shower that was going on down in the kitchen was now a poopy rain shower. Not to mention that the poopy water had traveled into our bedroom and was soaking the carpet. If I'd had a gun....I would have been sportin' a hole in my head. The rest of the night was spent scrambling for buckets to catch said poopy water, towels, and the wet/dry vac. The water flow eventually stopped sometime around 5 am this morning and we were able to get the kitchen completely disinfected and cleaned up. The carpet in the bedroom is still a bit soggy as well as my discovery this morning that we had not been quick enough in catching the water as it had soaked through to the basement as well.

One of these days...I am gonna kick the ever loving shit outta Murphy that prick. Anyway...that is the story. The next kick to the shins will most certainly be when my insurance guy informs me of the cost to repair my home..I think I'll wear a cup that day.

Who are you..and what have you done with my daughter?

She amazes me a little bit more everyday. My little girl is amazing. Alright...alright I'll stop gushing. Actually it is a bit scary really. I travel quite a bit for work, usually twice a month I am trudging back to MSP International Airport to board another flight for destination somewhere. This week was Denver...next week is Atlanta..the week after that...I forget. Anyway, like I said this week was Denver so Tuesday morning I was off to the airport. On my way out the door I got my hug and kiss from the wife and kids with my daughter saying in somewhat 2 year oldese...by daddy seeyo waiter. Hearing that almost brings a tear to the eye each time I leave and it doesn't get any easier as the years go by. The week was uneventful in Denver...each night I would call home and talk to everyone..the wife would rundown the day as my son could be heard in the background either hollering in delight at something he was doing or crying cuz he was hungry and mommy was not moving fast enough to fill his face with the nearest bottle of formula, then my wife would hand the phone to my daughter who would say, hi daddy followed by silence cuz that is all she had. Thursday rolls around and I am traveling home, I land wait for my luggage, walk to the truck, get in, turn the key, let it warm up, and head for home. I walk through the door and I hear the little foot steps of my daughter running for the door to see who it was. Hello daddy...glad to see you, mommy and I went to the zoo today. I could see her mouth moving and I could hear the words however my mind had not caught up. In my shock I looked at my wife and said, "what the hell did she just say?" at which point I was abruptly hit with the remote control to the head for saying H..E..double hockey sticks in front of the children. She repeated the phrase with extremely clear enunciation. I had only been gone for 3 freaking days and somehow during that time she had graduated from Harvard. Who the hell is this kid and where is my daughter?

To blog...or not to

To blog or not to blog...is that the question? Today blogs all over the net are being created and destroyed, changed and modified. Millions of people pour their hearts out each day describing in detail..sometimes a scary amount of detail what they thought or did. The amount of information that is recorded about people is absolutely amazing. Now you can Youtube yourself and create your own little video show where you are the superstar that you always wanted to be..well in your own little insignificant existence anyway. How far will it go? Where will this thing end up? What will they be doing 15 years from now when my kids are teenagers (in the immortal words of Bill the Cat "Ack Thhhhpt"). What tools will be available to put themselves out there for all the world to see and is that something that they should be doing? Once it is out there..it is out there, there is no taking it back. That is what scares me. Anyway, obviously fear or not I am one of the ones putting my thoughts down for all the world to read. Whether it brings to them laughter, sadness, or anger are things I can't control. So, I guess to answer the question to blog or not to blog the answer would be yes. Let the world make its own decision.

Minnesota Nice....my ass!!!

Alright..it's taken a while to work off that turkey buzz so it's been a few days since my last confession..I mean Blog. In the spirit of the season that is upon us, I gotta comment on a couple of things that piss me off about freakin Minnesota Driver's. First I'd like to find out just who the hell termed the phrase "Minnesota Nice". Where the hell was this yahoo from and what color was the sky in his/her world. It must have been some hunyuk from outta state that caught someone on a good day here and then stereotyped all of us. From my perspective, there ain't no Minnesota Nice...not when you turn any of 'em loose on the roadways. There are many idiots out there that for some reason must think that the sun shines outta there ass..and the rest of us should yield to them. For the purpose of this blog we'll concentrate on two of those types.

The first type that I would like to pull through the driver window and pummel are the jerk offs that merge at the last possible second and sometimes well after that. Who do these morons think they are? These people are the ass wipes that cause the back-ups and traffic by flying up lanes and merging at the last second...the last second. Doesn't it make you want to stomp on the gas pedal and run that son of a bitch into the guardrail? I sure do. A situation today was a classic example. I was exiting from one highway to another and this douche bag is in the lane next to me speeding around the corner to try and get into the lane I was already in, keep in mind that there is no one behind me and plenty of room to get in line. This jerk not only flies past me, but tries to get in front of another vehicle that was right in front of me. As this guy swerves in front of the vehicle directly in front of me, that vehicle pulls out and passes the ass munch that just pulled in front of him..then proceeds to slam on the brakes causing said ass munch to shat in his pants and slam on his brakes. Even though I can not and will not condone the tomfoolery that I had witnessed, I laughed my ass off in the car and raised a fist in salute to the guy that wasn't gonna stand for it.

The second type are the asses that are turning left on a signal..they can see that traffic is backing up and yet they continue into the intersection and sit there even though the light has turned red and you have the green light. Can you go? HELL NO...cuz this shithead is just sitting there in the middle of the intersection. They won't look at you either..nope won't do it..they just sit there. I was fortunate enough to experience one of these complete tools today as I waited at a red light after enjoying lunch with my wife and kids. This stupid chick just can't afford to miss this light and pulls out into the intersection (on the yellow mind you) and just ignores the fact that the rest of us who have the right of way have to wait for her to pull her piece of shit car outta the way. And to top it all off she is on here sparkly cell phone acting like a superstar as though she is important (Those are two other topics for which I will share my opinion on in future episodes). If I happen to at the front of the line when those situations occur, I enjoy pulling within inches of the side of the vehicle and laying on the horn...not a quick beep beep mind you..but a constant drawn out honk with the complimentary flipping of the bird and a "get the f*#k outta the way asshole or bitch" as the situation warrants.

Alright....that was good. I feel better. Man this blog stuff is alright. Good way to vent. My apologies in advance to all of you that may have been offended by the exercising of my right to free speech. If you feel offended..change the damn channel!

A new coat of paint

Good morning,

Even though the Blog is pretty new, I thought the place needed a new coat of paint. That is all for now..please talk amoungst yourselves.