On Hiatus...if you want to talk email me

This blog has been parked for the time being. Mainly cuz I have little or nothing to say....

Sports...sports...sports!!!!

Didn't I say it...I did...I said it, way back in March I said it. Brett will be back. Mark my words. Well, this week the rumors are a flyin' again about 'ole tricky Brett. Text messages about having the itch to return. Can't this guy leave well enough alone and disappear into the sun set once and for all? Come on buddy...give it up, yer old and stuff. WTF???? Oh and add insult to injury, there is even some fools around the Twin Cities radio fraternity saying that Brett could be wearing purple in the future....purple? PURPLE???? I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth. Ewwwwwww!!!! Actually..now that I think about it, on paper all the Vikes need is a solid QB. Maybe that wouldn't be half bad. Not to mention the sheer pain and anguish it would cause every fucking Packer cheesehead to see 'ole Brett wearing that beautiful color purple. What the hell...welcome Brett..come one in and have a seat. Bring the purple a Superbowl and consider yourself forgiven. Yay Brett...yay Brett!

In other news...



Holy catastrophes Batman!!!! The Minnesota Twins took a man size beating today as the Bean Town Red Sox swept them right outta town. The final result of the pummeling was a horrifying 18-5. WTF????!!!! They hit everything from everyone! All I can say is ouch.

Happy 4th of July everyone....

Why the 4th you ask? It was July 4th 1776 when the members of the second continental congress meeting in Philly were finishing the final draft of the Declaration of Independence. This was our country's stand against the tyranny of the British Empire...those bastards. After all, the British were quite silly really (sub-reference). Although the declaration was celebrated un-officially early on after the revolutionary war, it wasn't recognized as a federal holiday until 1941. Nice going Congress..another testament to your efficiency. John Adams wrote, "I believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be celebrated by pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other". Sorry Johnny...took us a while to see it that way.

For our celebration this year...I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into some animal flesh (BBQ Ribs), Calico Beans (my wife's specialty), corn, Cole slaw, and maybe a sweet or two. After the carnage that will most likely leave me in a state of cardiac arrest, it is off to the Apple Valley tonight to watch things explode in the sky with my kids. A favorite of mine is the one that flashes in a small ball of light and sounds like a cannon going off...ya know the one you can feel in your chest when it blows. You can have your frilly ones with all the colors...give me about 85 of those bombers in a row. Send me home in a seizure with heart palpitations.

Anyway...however you celebrate the 4th, have a good one and for cryin out loud don't lose any fingers, hands, etc. The trick is to light the fuse and run like hell.

Ah hell....

Oh well.....guess the 80's movie was right after all, there is a little nerd in all of us. All hail a new nerd nation where equality for those who are fucking geeks is possible.

Seven Words

A tribute to a comedic genius that thumbed his nose at the establishment. Mr. Carlin you were one of a kind and one of the greats. Thank you for the laughs and the hysterical bouts of pissing on myself.

Gloucester....what the?????

In past blogs I have made the statement that I weep for the future. After this story broke this week, I have to say I weep for the present. I was absolutely in awe of the pure stupidity of teenage girls in this town, for the life of me I can't connect the dots. What are these girls thinking? Is this the ultimate example of a high school cliche? The jocks, the nerds, the dirt bags, the smarts, and now the knocked up hoes? Come on people...someone help me for I am sinking into a a new level of anger and frustration with the youth of today as well as there dumb ass parents. Typically I shake my head at the dip shit kids that live in my neighborhood as they are a certain breed of asshole (even though I remember being somewhat of an asshole as well).

I realize that there are some level headed, polite, and respectful kids out there and to those kids I tip my hat. It was hard to be a kid when I was growing up, however the dynamic world that these kids have to grow up in is tougher than when I was younger. We parents are in a tough spot having not only having to deal with this fucked up rock we live on, but try to understand and support our kids so they are enabled to make the right decision when some stupid slut they are hanging out with says, "let's all get knocked up".

This is really a symptom of a greater problem. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?????? Are these girls really that starved for love and acceptance from their parents that they believe the only way to get that is to have a freakin baby? Maybe it's just something in the water in Gloucester, or maybe each of these kids lived under power lines, or maybe they all ate paint chips as a kid, or maybe they all had a dream of getting knocked up by a homeless person (this is no slam on the homeless, many of them are good people on hard times), or maybe...just maybe their parents are self absorbed morons. How do you miss something like this? Have you checked your kids arms for track marks? Maybe a better question is, have you talked to your kids in that last month about anything?

Alright...I know I sound holier than thou right now...I am just confused people. Being the parent of a three and two year old...I hope I can do a good enough job to prepare my kids for the world they will eventually face. At the moment of truth, I hope they can make the right decision

Pay attention to your kids, talk them, ask them questions, spend time with them, take an interest in something that they are interested in, be there for them, love them...in short BE A PARENT!!!!!

My sermon has ended...picture me stepping down from my holier than though soap box.

Celtics/Lakers.....KG finally does it.

This picture speaks volumes regarding Game 6 of the NBA Finals. The Celtics on their feet and the Lakers on their ass. As I type this entry the Celtics are up 38 points in the 4th period with a little over 2 minutes to play. I don't claim to be a fan of basketball or the NBA...the only games I have attended were due to someone having tickets and me having free time. I am a Kevin Garnett fan even though he no longer wears the black and blue of the Timberwolves and I was sad to see him go. He deserves this championship title, he is one of the greats that puts everything into the game. Great job KG....enjoy it cuz you deserve it. GO CELTICS!!!!!

*It should be noted that the author of this blog has a certain dislike..alomost to the level of hatred for Kobe Bryant. He is a chump...nuff said.

Tim Russert.....

Just a few words to pay respects to a newsman that I enjoyed watching. He seemed a consumate professional and if he were half the man his friends and family describe, the world has lost a great man. Tom Brokaw...old stone face was brought to tears.

Thanks Tim for the great reporting and for calling it like you saw it.

You ever notice...

You ever notice that when you fart in the tub...the smell seems to be amplified? While bathing my son tonight he dropped a Hiroshima sized bomb in the bathtub. As he reveled in his genius and the fact that the bubbles coming outta his butt were huge, I noticed the rancid smell as the bubbles burst upon reaching the surface. OH MY LORD....the pungentness was enough to make you hurl. What did this kid eat...and more importantly what the hell had it turned into? Whatever it was, I knew I had to be 100 miles away from this kid when he finally did poop...for it would inevitably be a show stopper.

And it was....oh my it was...

Health Club Etiquette

This post is for the fucking jerk off at the club this afternoon. For some reason this dill hole had no grasp of what the IPOD was made for. The IPOD, you thick headed dumb shit, was made so that you could enjoy your music without bothering those around you. It was not made so that you could sing out loud. I ain't interested in your jungle jump hip hop rap shit you fuck. To make this even more ridiculous..this ass face decides to show off what he thought were some great dance moves I guess in front of these chicks. What the h..e..double tooth picks did this chuckle head think he was doing? Actually because he was wearing the IPOD he didn't hear the groups of girls he was trying (and failing) to impress ripping his stoopid ass apart which I thought was amusing.

Excuse me cock guy...keep your dreams of American Idol to yourself or you may find that IPOD stuffed in your ear along with the ear bud. Try carrying a tune then ya puke.

Did I say...the 7th Circle of Hell? Call it a vision....of shit.

Well...my previous post was a tale of things to come. I spent this week in Virginia and Maryland. The trip started out on a bad leg. Upon arriving at the airport I went through he usual bullshit to get to the gate only to find that my flight had been delayed (FUCK). After a 1 hour wait we boarded the plane, pulled away from the gate and sat on the tarmac because of another fucking delay. Finally took off only to fly in fucking circles....holding pattern for the first hour somewhere over Ohio and then again somewhere over Pennsylvania. What the FUCK????

So..I was supposed to land at Dulles at 4:42 pm eastern daylight time, instead I touched down at approximately 6:50 pm eastern daylight time. We were herded like cattle off the plane and I headed for the shuttle bus to the rental car facility only to discover that I had left my Corporate Card at a restaurant in Minneapolis. Now..here I am in fucking DC without my credit card...could it get any worse? Probably.

Anyway, after calling the credit card company and canceling my credit card I had to go through the hassle of changing everything over to my own credit card. That took me an hour on the cell phone as I sat in a rental car on the lot. After all that I still had a 2.5 hour drive south to Staunton, VA. Joy...nothing but Joy!!

After a few days in Staunton, I had to drive north to Baltimore where I was catching a flight back home...or so I thought. Upon arriving at the airport I found that my flight was delayed by another fucking hour. After waiting the allotted time, me and the other cows were herded onto the plane...they closed the door and the pilot came over the intercom, "well ladies and gentleman" FUCKED!!!! You could probably guess what happened next. The pilot explained that we would not be leaving even though we had just boarded the damn plane and that we would all have to de-plane because the weather delay may be indefinite and to add insult to injury we would be sitting on the plane for at least another 45 minutes as we lost our gate. Imagine waiting on a plane you just boarded to leave only to get off the plane and wait some more. Un-fucking-believable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To make a painful long story short I was suppose to be home around 4:30 pm central daylight time, my actual time of arrival was 8:30 pm central daylight time. My one question is who the fuck did I wrong in another life to deserve this fucking bullshit, mother bitchin, asshole suckin week?

Murphy....I say go FUCK yourself you worthless bastard. If I knew where the hell you were, I would hunt you down like the fucking dog that you are and stomp a mud hole in your worthless ass.

Air Travel...aka...The 7th circle of Hell

As a frequent business traveler I have the distinct pleasure of experiencing the joy of shoving shards of broken glass into my eye, oh wait I meant spending time in crowded airports, crowded airplanes, rental cars, and shitty hotels.

As airline service that was already crappy at best reduce service and flights while jacking the prices up on just about everyhting they can the traveler gets fucked right up the anal canal. Ya know those trucks you sometimes pass on the highway stuffed with cattle or pigs? Yeah...air travel.

Now after busting your ass to get to the airport 6 hours prior to your flight, getting through the strip search know as security (never fails that you get stuck behind some blue hair that has never flown and has to walk through the fucking metal detector 7 times cuz they can't seem to empty out their pockets the first 6 times through)you get to your gate and usually find out that the damn flight is fuckin delayed. Yeah, I had to make sure that I was early getting the airport just so I could wait for your stupid flight delay.

Heaven help you if you have a carry-on and your seated in row 1,439 cuz by the time you board the son of a bitch every overhead bin is full cuz the people that got on prior to you stuffed everyone of their fuckin bags in the bin while leaving the spot under their seat in front of them clear. I love it when chicks put their stupid purses up there...when that happens I cram my bag on top of the purse making sure to break every damn thing that bitch has in that purse.

The fucking seats are crammed together leaving no room for anything and for some reason I usually get stuck sitting next to some fucker with shoulders wider than mine. Or...you get stuck next to the guy that needs the belt extender. No disrespect to those folks, however they never get seated next to a skinny prick it's always right next to me. Keep in mind that I know that guy is probably saying the same thing about me...FUCK HIM this is my blog.

So...finally you lube up to get into your fucking seat, the plane backs up from the gate and you hear the pilot come on the intercom. "Well ladies and gentleman...", you hear those words and yer fucked plain and simple. What it means is that any hope that you had in making your connection (cuz direct flights are a thing of the past) has been stomped on, lit on fire, pissed on, and then lit on fire again.

Such is life I guess. Airlines.....I fart in your general direction, I could make better time on the back of a swallow (African to be exact).

A chapter in our history closes

That's right folks Hilary has conceded to Obama. Either way it was going to be a historic event in our nations history. For the first time an African American and a woman were the prime candidates for the democratic presidential nominee. It truly was a hard fought battle. Now comes the extremely hard part. The two nominees have to do something to try and bring a dis-jointed party together and after the uproar over the deal made in the Florida and Michigan debacles it will be no small task. Well now at least it will be back to the normal melee between two separate parties. Damn politicians.

IRON MAN

I have to hand it to John Favreau...his vision of Iron Man was right on. Having read the comic books as a kid Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark. He embodies the character and truly made the movie. The special effects were outstanding and not overbearing like other films have done (THE HULK). I would definitely recommend going to see this movie. Very entertaining.

Happy Birthday Jason

Due to computer issues while on the road (this week I am in the heart of Georgia) I was unable to post an entry to wish my friend Jason a Happy Birthday. Unfortunately, I don't have the talent to transpose his head onto the body of a Sasquatch although that would look pretty cool. Anyway..Happy Birthday man...hope it was a good one.

Shitter's full

Well....I haven't posted anything regarding bodily functions in a while. My daughter..bless her heart has a knack for laying turds that are so large they are constantly clogging the toilet, this morning was no exception. After a night out with a group of Pi Lams I came downstairs this morning to the sound of chaos. My daughter came out of the bathroom screaming something about the toilet. "Daddy, the toilet is full" she said as she was walking back into the bathroom. I followed her into the bathroom where much to my shock lay possibly one of the largest piece of human turd I had ever seen. It was no wonder that the toilet was unable to accept such a large turd. It literally filled the entire bowl. I am still not sure how the hell she passed something that size without splitting in two. UNBELIEVABLE. I had to break that sum' biotch up in order to unplug the toilet. The only thing I could compare it to is Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo after he had gained approx 15-20 lbs.

Alright..another freaking post

A buddy of mine is sick of seeing the "Cool Hwip" post. So here is something new...so there I was in the congo. Oh and Rich...."Not four years, but a lifetime"

Family Guy - Cool Whip

I like Family guy....

A funny story...pi lam long ago

Back in the day...a funny thing happened. This was definitely funny ha ha. A few PI LAM brothers who will remain nameless to protect the innocent were hanging out at the Crack House as we usually did.

The name Crack House does have a bit of a controversial connotation, however for the sake of this blog entry that will have to be discussed in depth at a future point in time.

As previously stated a few of us brethren were hanging out at the aforementioned Crack House. I believe we were watching some television and shooting the shit; I was on the couch, MH was sitting on the floor, O'C was on the couch, and a few others were scattered around the room. Quite suddenly another brother who had been in his room came flying out of said room running across the floor. Upon approaching MH who was sitting on the floor, RE lept in a quite graceful manner over the top of MH. Upon reaching the pinnacle of the leap his ass was positioned directly above MH's head and at that point RE unleashed an air biskit that sent MH and the rest of us into convulsions. MH's convulsions were due to the cloud of smoke that had enveloped his head and the rest of us were laughing uncontrollably.

Truly, one of the funniest things I had ever been witness to or heard of.

Monty python - Black knight (star wars)

Way back, I remember a Friday night staying over at a buddies place. My friends were fans of both comedians and comedy movies. This night had us watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. One scene in particular I happed to find fucking hilarious. So much so mind you that I practically wore out the VCR playing it over and over and over again. For posterity's sake and my own amusement I have posted that particular scene (with a bit of a Star Wars flair). One word...hilarity.