Lonely Turd

The wife and I took the kids out for dinner tonight. Because they were running around the house like two hell spawns hopped up on goofballs we made the decision to hit the BK Lounge. The location we chose was equipped with a play area for them to run those goofballs out of their system. I took the kids into the play area, proceeded to remove the coats(yes, it's a bit chilly in these here parts) and shoes. I barely had Gunnar's second shoe off when he lunged for the entrance to the climbing structure that was literally alive with screaming children. I grabbed a seat, picked up a magazine and waited for my wife to return with the food. It wasn't very long and my wife entered the play area, brought the food over, and set the trays down on the table. I took this chance to run to the rest room for a bio break followed by a cleansing of the hands. In public restrooms I tend to use the stall if available and I was in luck for it was...or at least I thought I was. I opened the door only to find a lonely turd in the bowl. Now..when I say lonely I mean it was all alone in the bowl. Just a little turd sitting there in the bowl, no paper...just a turd. Upon a discovery like this, one's mind tends to begin creating scenarios to try and figure out what happened. Plenty of paper on the roll. The bowl wasn't clogged so it's not like everything else went down and this turd was left behind. Maybe the turd came back...it wasn't ready to go and this turd came back. Then it hit me...whoever dropped this kid off at the pool either got up and didn't wipe (eewwwww) or he wiped with something else. I suddenly felt trapped. Could I touch anything in this restroom? I used my shoe to pull the door open and got the fuck outta there before I puked.

FLIM...FLAM...plain and simple.

Alright...I am sitting here watching this ridiculous example of a debate. I am trying to gain any insight as to what is located between the ears of Mrs. Palin. As of right now...my guess is dark matter. There is nothing grey about it. This woman has stood up there and said nothing. I mean I hear sounds and I see her mouth moving, however nothing coherent is being produced.

If she doesn't feel like answering the question, she changes the subject and starts talking about something completely unrelated.

And another thing...if I hear one more "soccer mom" or "glass ceiling" or "Maverick" or "Gosh" or "darn it" out of this lady I am gonna fuckin puke. This is unbelievable! Even worse....it's more frightening than anything else. This woman is not fit to be vice president...and the thought that she would be the one to take over the oval office in the event McCain takes a dirt nap before his term in the unholy event we as a nation let him into the white house is more than I can take (insert deep breath here due to the fact that the last statement was a run on sentence). I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Jeez people....the ride is getting a little scary and I think I want to get off, there's just no where to go.

A sign of the times...

I was at the pump the other day and I overheard someone say that they were so glad to be paying $3.29 a gallon. Glad? What do you mean you're glad? You outta be mad as hell. Granted..I'll give you the fact that it's better than $4.00 a gallon. Let's take a moment to look at the fact that this poor soul was actually glad to be paying $3.29. We shouldn't be paying $3.29 a gallon..it's been a process of brainwashing really. The cost of a gallon has been bouncing all over hell so bad that we have become numb to it.

I remember the days of yore when a gallon of gas was $.99, and I also realize that those days are gone. The difference is that back then when a gallon fluctuated as much as a penny people went nuts. These days you can go to sleep one night with gas at one price and the very next morning it can be $.40 or more for that same gallon of gas. What the hell is up with that? Who in their right mind thinks that is alright to do? We have been conditioned people.....conditioned. Don't just sit there in your steel coffins slowly moving along the cloggged arteries we call roadways. WAKE UP!!!! I want you all to go to the window....open it....stick your head out and yell, I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!!!!

We are paying to much for fuel....and our leaders must do something about it and find a way to rid us of the dependency on foreign fucking oil...you lousy muther fuckers. Do what it is that we sent you there to do you over privaleged, corrupt biotches!!!!

Bring forth the Apocalypse....

Well folks...the ride has been a good one, however all good things must come to an end. If we are to think that this empire will last forever, we would be fooling ourselves. Venture into the past with me and look upon all those great societies as they all have one thing in common, at one point in time they crumbled. Our empire has had a relatively good run, however we may be nearing the end of the road. Look at the signs of the times...we are pretty much hated in the world, our government is fucked, we are as divided as we have been, to many thing lining up. We are in trouble people....our time is short. It doesn't matter who ends up in the white house..that individual is screwed. If you support Obama...fine, he ain't gonna fix shit...if you support McCain....fine, he ain't gonna fix shit either. I support Obama myself...I just don't think anyone can pull us from the impending abyss. Big trouble ahead.....for it will get worse before it gets......worser.

One of the world's great mysteries...

I was driving home yet again today and I was witness to one of the world's great mysteries. Why is it that you only see one shoe laying on the side of the highway? Where the hell is the other shoe? Does it disappear and go to that pile of things when they can't be found? Do they sit there in that other dimension waiting to be found? Where the hell is the other shoe? Can't they fall out of the car in pairs?

I don't get it...

HEROES....who will triumph....VILLIANS

The upcoming weekend is all that stands in the way between me and one of my favorite shows in TV. Heroes begins with a blockbuster back to back premiere on Monday. They saved the cheerleader, now what challenge faces the heroes as they try and save the world. Fucking Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking Gawkers

So..I am coming home from work today. I had just merged onto Cedar from 494 and began the southern trek. I had barely been on Cedar for a minute when...GRIDLOCK! Traffic was backed up all the way across the bridge. We all inched along at 2-3 mph. I finally made it across the bridge only to find out all the traffic was caused by a van parked on the side of the road in the southbound lane. THAT WAS IT??? A fucking van parked on the side of the road caused that level of gridlock? What the hell is wrong with all you Minnesota driver's? A car is parked on the side of the road and you have to slow to a fucking crawl? This van was parked so far off the highway it was on the grass. What...were you all afraid someone was going to swing the door open at the last second? The fucking door would have had to been 35 feet long!!! Muther puss bucket you fucking people anger me. Jeez..better slow down in case that door swings open!!! You ought to be pulled out of your car and pummeled till severe bleeding occurs..at least then there would be something to actually slow down and gawk at. Damn rubber neck's!!!! Drive on the dirt roads losers!!!! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH Uh-oh...I think I heard something pop in my head....musta been a vessel.

What the hell is a Republicrat? A completely and empty rant.

I saw a brief article on MSN the other day and the title was Republicrat. What the hell is a Republicrat? Has a new political party developed under my nose? Who are these people? Are they people? Where did they come from? Have they been here all along living among us? How long? What do they look like? Do they eat meat? Are they vegetarians? Do they reproduce? Where do they shop? Do they clip coupons? Do they know what a coupon is? Do they think the word coupon is as silly as I do? Do they drive cars? Hybrid or not? Do they hunt or hug trees? Are they upper class, middle class, do they have a class? Do I know someone who is a Republicrat? Do I want to know someone who is a Republicrat? Do they put their pants on one leg at a time? Which leg goes in first? Do they stand up and/or sit down when the pee? Do they wipe once or twice, or are they so different from us that they don't have to? If they do wipe, do they look at the TP before dropping into the bowl? Does their poop stink? What color is it? Do they pay taxes? Do they have lawn mowers? Are they push or riding? Do they shower? Do they have to put on deodorant to keep from attracting flies? Do they brush their teeth? Do they have teeth? Again I say, what the hell is a Republicrat? Is it any of the aforementioned, or is it yet another group of people that have their own agenda and want the rest of us to follow suit because they know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are right and the rest of us insignificant boobs are wrong?

Whatever the case ya fucker's...vote yer conscious in the coming elections, the world as we know it is spiralling into the abyss and we have one vote to make our opinions heard. Whether a change in Washington or more of the same occurs...the sun will rise...life will go on, at least until our actions destroy ourselves.

You can't do that on television.

A favorite show of mine way back in the day. Birthplace of the green slime when the magic words were said. Actually really bad television with skits that read like they were written by a group of snot nosed kids that used to hang out in the rafters of Benesh's garage where other literary atrocities were born.

Back from the Dark Side....

I have battled my demons recently and won a costly victory.

On Hiatus...if you want to talk email me

This blog has been parked for the time being. Mainly cuz I have little or nothing to say....

Sports...sports...sports!!!!

Didn't I say it...I did...I said it, way back in March I said it. Brett will be back. Mark my words. Well, this week the rumors are a flyin' again about 'ole tricky Brett. Text messages about having the itch to return. Can't this guy leave well enough alone and disappear into the sun set once and for all? Come on buddy...give it up, yer old and stuff. WTF???? Oh and add insult to injury, there is even some fools around the Twin Cities radio fraternity saying that Brett could be wearing purple in the future....purple? PURPLE???? I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth. Ewwwwwww!!!! Actually..now that I think about it, on paper all the Vikes need is a solid QB. Maybe that wouldn't be half bad. Not to mention the sheer pain and anguish it would cause every fucking Packer cheesehead to see 'ole Brett wearing that beautiful color purple. What the hell...welcome Brett..come one in and have a seat. Bring the purple a Superbowl and consider yourself forgiven. Yay Brett...yay Brett!

In other news...



Holy catastrophes Batman!!!! The Minnesota Twins took a man size beating today as the Bean Town Red Sox swept them right outta town. The final result of the pummeling was a horrifying 18-5. WTF????!!!! They hit everything from everyone! All I can say is ouch.

Happy 4th of July everyone....

Why the 4th you ask? It was July 4th 1776 when the members of the second continental congress meeting in Philly were finishing the final draft of the Declaration of Independence. This was our country's stand against the tyranny of the British Empire...those bastards. After all, the British were quite silly really (sub-reference). Although the declaration was celebrated un-officially early on after the revolutionary war, it wasn't recognized as a federal holiday until 1941. Nice going Congress..another testament to your efficiency. John Adams wrote, "I believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be celebrated by pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other". Sorry Johnny...took us a while to see it that way.

For our celebration this year...I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into some animal flesh (BBQ Ribs), Calico Beans (my wife's specialty), corn, Cole slaw, and maybe a sweet or two. After the carnage that will most likely leave me in a state of cardiac arrest, it is off to the Apple Valley tonight to watch things explode in the sky with my kids. A favorite of mine is the one that flashes in a small ball of light and sounds like a cannon going off...ya know the one you can feel in your chest when it blows. You can have your frilly ones with all the colors...give me about 85 of those bombers in a row. Send me home in a seizure with heart palpitations.

Anyway...however you celebrate the 4th, have a good one and for cryin out loud don't lose any fingers, hands, etc. The trick is to light the fuse and run like hell.

Ah hell....

Oh well.....guess the 80's movie was right after all, there is a little nerd in all of us. All hail a new nerd nation where equality for those who are fucking geeks is possible.

Seven Words

A tribute to a comedic genius that thumbed his nose at the establishment. Mr. Carlin you were one of a kind and one of the greats. Thank you for the laughs and the hysterical bouts of pissing on myself.

Gloucester....what the?????

In past blogs I have made the statement that I weep for the future. After this story broke this week, I have to say I weep for the present. I was absolutely in awe of the pure stupidity of teenage girls in this town, for the life of me I can't connect the dots. What are these girls thinking? Is this the ultimate example of a high school cliche? The jocks, the nerds, the dirt bags, the smarts, and now the knocked up hoes? Come on people...someone help me for I am sinking into a a new level of anger and frustration with the youth of today as well as there dumb ass parents. Typically I shake my head at the dip shit kids that live in my neighborhood as they are a certain breed of asshole (even though I remember being somewhat of an asshole as well).

I realize that there are some level headed, polite, and respectful kids out there and to those kids I tip my hat. It was hard to be a kid when I was growing up, however the dynamic world that these kids have to grow up in is tougher than when I was younger. We parents are in a tough spot having not only having to deal with this fucked up rock we live on, but try to understand and support our kids so they are enabled to make the right decision when some stupid slut they are hanging out with says, "let's all get knocked up".

This is really a symptom of a greater problem. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?????? Are these girls really that starved for love and acceptance from their parents that they believe the only way to get that is to have a freakin baby? Maybe it's just something in the water in Gloucester, or maybe each of these kids lived under power lines, or maybe they all ate paint chips as a kid, or maybe they all had a dream of getting knocked up by a homeless person (this is no slam on the homeless, many of them are good people on hard times), or maybe...just maybe their parents are self absorbed morons. How do you miss something like this? Have you checked your kids arms for track marks? Maybe a better question is, have you talked to your kids in that last month about anything?

Alright...I know I sound holier than thou right now...I am just confused people. Being the parent of a three and two year old...I hope I can do a good enough job to prepare my kids for the world they will eventually face. At the moment of truth, I hope they can make the right decision

Pay attention to your kids, talk them, ask them questions, spend time with them, take an interest in something that they are interested in, be there for them, love them...in short BE A PARENT!!!!!

My sermon has ended...picture me stepping down from my holier than though soap box.

Celtics/Lakers.....KG finally does it.

This picture speaks volumes regarding Game 6 of the NBA Finals. The Celtics on their feet and the Lakers on their ass. As I type this entry the Celtics are up 38 points in the 4th period with a little over 2 minutes to play. I don't claim to be a fan of basketball or the NBA...the only games I have attended were due to someone having tickets and me having free time. I am a Kevin Garnett fan even though he no longer wears the black and blue of the Timberwolves and I was sad to see him go. He deserves this championship title, he is one of the greats that puts everything into the game. Great job KG....enjoy it cuz you deserve it. GO CELTICS!!!!!

*It should be noted that the author of this blog has a certain dislike..alomost to the level of hatred for Kobe Bryant. He is a chump...nuff said.

Tim Russert.....

Just a few words to pay respects to a newsman that I enjoyed watching. He seemed a consumate professional and if he were half the man his friends and family describe, the world has lost a great man. Tom Brokaw...old stone face was brought to tears.

Thanks Tim for the great reporting and for calling it like you saw it.

You ever notice...

You ever notice that when you fart in the tub...the smell seems to be amplified? While bathing my son tonight he dropped a Hiroshima sized bomb in the bathtub. As he reveled in his genius and the fact that the bubbles coming outta his butt were huge, I noticed the rancid smell as the bubbles burst upon reaching the surface. OH MY LORD....the pungentness was enough to make you hurl. What did this kid eat...and more importantly what the hell had it turned into? Whatever it was, I knew I had to be 100 miles away from this kid when he finally did poop...for it would inevitably be a show stopper.

And it was....oh my it was...

Health Club Etiquette

This post is for the fucking jerk off at the club this afternoon. For some reason this dill hole had no grasp of what the IPOD was made for. The IPOD, you thick headed dumb shit, was made so that you could enjoy your music without bothering those around you. It was not made so that you could sing out loud. I ain't interested in your jungle jump hip hop rap shit you fuck. To make this even more ridiculous..this ass face decides to show off what he thought were some great dance moves I guess in front of these chicks. What the h..e..double tooth picks did this chuckle head think he was doing? Actually because he was wearing the IPOD he didn't hear the groups of girls he was trying (and failing) to impress ripping his stoopid ass apart which I thought was amusing.

Excuse me cock guy...keep your dreams of American Idol to yourself or you may find that IPOD stuffed in your ear along with the ear bud. Try carrying a tune then ya puke.